Star Wars Pinball

"NO DISINTERGRATIONS"

Yes Star Wars Pinball, another arm of the ever-growing Disney empire in the form of balls and flippers. 800 Microsoft Points gets you 25% fewer tables than normal, but hey, it's Star Wars, and we all like Star Wars... provided you don't mention the special editions, prequels, DVD, 3D or Blu Ray releases, Clone Wars, the bizarre Christmas special and this paragraph isn't working so well is it.

Pinball FX 2: V12

And to think, we got the abysmal Speed Machine instead.

Yes our tales of classic Zen Classics pinballing wonder come to a close with V12, the engine which helped us win the war, and... isn't associated with classic American musclecars. Redraw your artwork!

Borderlands

Quick one.

Borderlands, the FPS/"Action RPG" crossover that was all the rage back in 2009 (and most of RAGE in 2011). The world likes this one. I don't.

Pinball FX 2: Tesla

Now where were we - oh yes, Pinball FX 2's Zen Classics collection, because I hate to leave a job half done regardless of how much I regret the undertaking. And here's a table based on the life and times of Nikola Tesla, because... erm... Heinrich Hertz sucks or something.

Puckman Pockimon Genie 2000

Yes.

"Puckman Pockimon Genie 2000", thirteen-year-old unlicensed arcade tat from the far east, here to make your day that extra bit less pleasant. You got your Pokémon in my Pac-Man etc., and a worldwide culling of brain cells commenced.

Credit goes to Techokami for tracking this one down.

Hebereke's Popoitto

This was localised. Honest.

Hebereke's Popoitto, also known as Popoitto Hebereke. Not something to challenge your voice box with but apparently something UK citizens should buy, accroding to Sunsoft circa 1995.

Retro City Rampage

But MDA cards can't do graphics!!

Retro City Rampage by Vblank Entertainment, here to teach us some important life lessons, such as why you shouldn't delay a game for countless months, and why GTA III on the NES might have been a more worthwhile project than creating a downloadable XBLA parody. Clearly a bastion of learning - we should be honoured to be in its presence.

Hebereke no Popoon

So how do you follow up an interesting, if badly timed non-linear platformer? By creating a falling block puzzle game of course! That's sensible!

Yes it's the return of the world's favourite intoxicated penguin; Hebereke no Popoon, a 1995 puzzle game released for the Super Famicom in Japan. It's a rare case of the arcade version being the lesser choice - treasure this moment, it doesn't happen often.

Forza Motorsport 3

"The definitive racing game of this generation".

Forza Motorsport 3, because life is full of surprises. Released in 2009 by Turn 10 for the Xbox 360, it's the definitive racing game of this generation and it's the definitive racing game of this generation. Old E3 quotes are fun.

Super Mario World 64

Remember when I used to talk about unlicensed games? Good times... or not.

Anyway it's time to relive the horrors, with the demented holy grail of Sega Mega Drive tat, Super Mario World 64. First spotted back in 2008, this abysmal piece of garbage has finally succumbed to preservation efforts after almost five years of struggles. It's a good day for the world, and by extension, that means it's a bad day too.

Driver: San Francisco

Well isn't this a staple of originality.

Driver: San Francisco, built up the road by Ubisoft Reflections and released back in 2011. The most imaginative city in the world plays host to a super successful video game franchise - it's sarcasm overload, but could it secretly be a great game?

Ufouria: The Saga

Your name is Freeon-Leeon and you can swim on the water and walk through snow and ice.

It's 2013, and that means it's time to give animals alcohol. This year it's the turn of the penguins, as featured in 1992's Ufouria: The Saga, otherwise known as Hebereke. It's a game for the NES - the PAL NES.

Pinball FX 2: El Dorado

I was told, from clearly unreliable sources, that El Dorado was one of the lesser tables to grace Zen Pinball in 2009. And that's why you don't listen to what people have to say. Opinions suck - more guns in schools!!!

Pinball FX 2: Shaman

Hey look, it's the day nobody was waiting for - equality amongst pinball simulators by Zen Studios.

Shaman, El Dorado, Tesla and V12, four pinball tables from 2009 originally exclusive to PlayStation 3 users, are now available to Xbox 360 fans via Pinball FX 2. Trying to describe the situation hurts my head, but I'm going to review each table individually anyway because I can, starting with Shaman... right now.

Icicle Works

It's getting cold outside, so must be time to tell Paul Weller that the river Nile flows through ten African nations and much of the continent follows Islam. We've done this every year since 1986 but he just doesn't listen!

And what better way to celebrate the festive season than Icicle Works for the Commodore 64, a game completely devoid of icicles... and work. Great stuff.

SOOG: Wii U

That's the sound of da police.

It's new Nintendo console time, and I thought I'd try something hilarious - give my opinions on a system I've not seen and don't plan to buy, because that's totally what you want to read. Won't get that elsewhere on the internet, nope.

Hard 'n' Heavy

Remember Great Giana Sisters, the world's most famous Super Mario Bros. clone? Of course you do - the internet won't let you forget.

But what about the sequel? This is Hard 'n' Heavy for the Amiga, converted, apparently, by a man without a name. We're off to a good start.

Pinball FX 2: Civil War

Time to put your PhD to good use.

Politics, pinball and Marvel Comics, all rolled up into one bundle in the form of Civil War, recently released to Pinball FX 2. Chose your coloured gimp and manipulate the powers at be. Sounds lovely.

SOOG: 20 Japanese Saturn Games That Should Have Been Released in the UK

In the last two years I've become a bastion of pointless Sega knowledge, something that's unlikely to assist my day-to-day life. Generally I find the ladies don't want to know what the average battery life of a Game Gear is, so I can't see it being a route to marriage (p.s. it's roughly three-to-five hours but the later US models by Majesco bring it closer to ten - call me if you care).


Anyway I've resisted the temptation of posting lists for five years, so here is a set of Japanese-exclusive Sega Saturn games which should have been released in the United Kingdom... although these aren't necessarily the best candidates for import, nor are there strictly twenty games here. My skills in quality control clearly remain undiminished.

Edd the Duck!

Blog Squirrel, appealing to the masses.

Look, it's Edd the Duck!, a twenty-two year old Amiga game based on an old Children's BBC mascot. It's what the public wants. Maybe.